The latest Leo season has tested the shit out of me. I've been confronted on so many levels, invited into a further embodiment and shedded many layers of stress and tension from my childhood.
Leo's energy is very nurturing for the Inner Child, however for some reason, it has showed up for me in the most mysterious ways this month, while I trusted that things will work out and I'm being tested because I'm calling in really big things. It is the faith that has helped me to surrender, as well as my meditation practice twice a day and seeing lots of little omens around me.
As I got my bleed, I had a big purge in the garden today. I looked back at the entire month as well as the entire life that I've been on this Earth and experienced somewhat of a very pivotal moment.
I felt the embodiment of self love.
I started journaling into my book and as I was writing with my pen, there was a voice inside of me that nudged me to share this on the blog. So here I am, sharing the words I wrote down and a feeling that someone might need to hear this right now:
"I must say I'm so damn proud of myself for evolving into the person I am today. From the little girl with big dreams yet so much struggles to fit in and feel safe, through the people pleaser whose ego became so big at same stage of her life into this incredible blossoming flower who's absolutely kicking goals and leading by example for so many people out there.
I sometimes question life and what's the point of it all, but one thing keeps me going as that is my desire to build legacy and make this human experience more supported for others. To showcase that actually, sometimes it's not all pink and easy peasy. There are big tears, big growing pains and sacrifices that need to take place in order for us to meet our dream life half way.
Life is never going to be easy, whether on a person or a collective level, but I want to show people realness.
This was really hard for me now that I think back to 2020. I was so scared to admit that I struggled in front of others, especially the Zalah audience. I was terrified that I would look like a failure and how dare I tell people about healing when I have got so much of my own to do. Plant medicine definitely brought that up to my attention multiple times.
I may have not felt like a failure after holding back on my pain, however I did feel like a fraud.
Something within me didn't feel right and the business tested me and whether I can step into my actual feelings.
It tested me again this month through a skin infection I experienced and whether I can still show up the way I would normally do or I'm going to feed my insecurity and allow it to take my power away. I would like to think that I passed, because I not only shared my experience truthfully and vulnerably, but I turned it into my strength.
I found so much fulfilment and power knowing that I can be fully transparent as well as felt the freedom that it's brought me. I thought to myself, if I can show up on my Instagram stories without any make-up with a face full of inflamed red spots, I can absolutely kill it any other time.
I was so happy I did that because I felt the connection with Zalah's audience like never before. The amount of incredible messages that I received from people recognising my courage and vulnerability made me feel so safe and so seen.
In the oceans of pretend and illusion I want to shine my light of authenticity.
It's scary. It hurts at times. But it's so fucking powerful and no one can ever take that power away from us.
The power grows as we grow.
When I think of the little Eva in me, I get teary and cry almost every time. I am so sorry for all the pain, violence and fear she had to feel so early on in her life. But knowing who she's become gives me so much love and pride for her. I just wanna tell her that she's always been the most incredible thing that's ever happened to me and that no matter what happened in the past or what happens in the future, I will always have her back."
When I put the pen down and wiped my tears, I realised that this is what self love means to me.